Am I Sad?

Mother And Baby by Anna Langova

 

It has been over a week since I have permanently given up my fertility.  I truly never thought I would get to have babies, and yet I was able to carry three.  I have feelings about the procedure, about the decision, and about the future. 

 

My body will never again swell with life.  I will not watch as my belly jumps with the movements of an excitable little person making their presence known.  I will never again have the joy of that test declaring that a new soul has been created within my body.  There will be no more post birth nursing sessions cuddling a new life.  I will not watch my sweet tiny little baby drift off into a milk induced slumber while being cradled in my protection.

 

I do have feelings about that.

 

My feelings are not feelings of sadness though.  I have been mentally preparing for this time over the last 16 months.  John and I have waivered about the right decisions regarding our family's expansion.  When I had Zeke, I suffered a rupture.  It wasn't a severe rupture, so I "could" still have another baby.  Although every doctor out there would want to deliver that baby prematurely, if we survived the pregnancy long enough. 

 

No, I know this to be the best decision for us.

 

I have feelings of nostalgia.  My mind can grasp that even though those moments of pregnancy and newborn preciousness are amazingly magical, they are fleeting.  The last three years, I have been pregnant twice.  I cannot really even remember the moments.  I have the warm memories that I can recall with that glow of joy, but I cannot feel and re live anything.  It just goes by so fast.  So, even though I loved those moments, I am not grieved by the inability to recreate them again.  

 

I am thankful for what they were and that I was able to have such blessings.

 

My heart does not yearn for that downy head and sweet baby toes.  I can't even believe I can write that with an honest heart.  It is true though.  My heart yearns to hold this beautiful little girl across the world.  I dream of nestling her in my lap, kissing her cheeks, and holding her hand in mine.  There is an ache in my heart that I didn't even know I had, and amazingly, it isn't for a tiny little newborn.  I look forward to looking into her eyes, to her realizing that she has a momma who loves her, and that I am that person. 

 

No, I am not sad.  I am aware of how time is quickly passing, and how precious those sweet cuddles from my curly haired little 16 month old toddler truly are.  He runs up to me multiple times a day, reaching up with his little chubby hands, grunting with desire.  He desires for me to pick him up, he shoves his head with that mullet of curls into the crook of my neck, and completely relaxes his body.  Content he is, content to soak up all of this mommy's love.

 

I am not sad, I am full of a new purpose.  My husband being a saved man now,  has completely changed our household.  He shares my burden for the orphan.  We look forward to raising the kids we have, bringing Glory home, and who knows what else.  I may hold another baby one day, or a ten year old, it is in God's hands for what He calls us to do.   

 

In the mean time I will soak up all of the "I love you mommy's" that come from those almond shaped eyes, the hugs from little people with dirty hands, and the 2.5 million dandelions given from such joyful little souls.  The newborn having season may be over, but a new season is before us.  It brings forth blooms of blessings to be collected and joyfully cherished for their beauty.