Am I Sad?

Mother And Baby by Anna Langova

 

It has been over a week since I have permanently given up my fertility.  I truly never thought I would get to have babies, and yet I was able to carry three.  I have feelings about the procedure, about the decision, and about the future. 

 

My body will never again swell with life.  I will not watch as my belly jumps with the movements of an excitable little person making their presence known.  I will never again have the joy of that test declaring that a new soul has been created within my body.  There will be no more post birth nursing sessions cuddling a new life.  I will not watch my sweet tiny little baby drift off into a milk induced slumber while being cradled in my protection.

 

I do have feelings about that.

 

My feelings are not feelings of sadness though.  I have been mentally preparing for this time over the last 16 months.  John and I have waivered about the right decisions regarding our family's expansion.  When I had Zeke, I suffered a rupture.  It wasn't a severe rupture, so I "could" still have another baby.  Although every doctor out there would want to deliver that baby prematurely, if we survived the pregnancy long enough. 

 

No, I know this to be the best decision for us.

 

I have feelings of nostalgia.  My mind can grasp that even though those moments of pregnancy and newborn preciousness are amazingly magical, they are fleeting.  The last three years, I have been pregnant twice.  I cannot really even remember the moments.  I have the warm memories that I can recall with that glow of joy, but I cannot feel and re live anything.  It just goes by so fast.  So, even though I loved those moments, I am not grieved by the inability to recreate them again.  

 

I am thankful for what they were and that I was able to have such blessings.

 

My heart does not yearn for that downy head and sweet baby toes.  I can't even believe I can write that with an honest heart.  It is true though.  My heart yearns to hold this beautiful little girl across the world.  I dream of nestling her in my lap, kissing her cheeks, and holding her hand in mine.  There is an ache in my heart that I didn't even know I had, and amazingly, it isn't for a tiny little newborn.  I look forward to looking into her eyes, to her realizing that she has a momma who loves her, and that I am that person. 

 

No, I am not sad.  I am aware of how time is quickly passing, and how precious those sweet cuddles from my curly haired little 16 month old toddler truly are.  He runs up to me multiple times a day, reaching up with his little chubby hands, grunting with desire.  He desires for me to pick him up, he shoves his head with that mullet of curls into the crook of my neck, and completely relaxes his body.  Content he is, content to soak up all of this mommy's love.

 

I am not sad, I am full of a new purpose.  My husband being a saved man now,  has completely changed our household.  He shares my burden for the orphan.  We look forward to raising the kids we have, bringing Glory home, and who knows what else.  I may hold another baby one day, or a ten year old, it is in God's hands for what He calls us to do.   

 

In the mean time I will soak up all of the "I love you mommy's" that come from those almond shaped eyes, the hugs from little people with dirty hands, and the 2.5 million dandelions given from such joyful little souls.  The newborn having season may be over, but a new season is before us.  It brings forth blooms of blessings to be collected and joyfully cherished for their beauty. 

One For Us!

Sometimes God speaks very clearly.  We felt like we should keep ourselves open to adopting two children, however, we came across our girl first.  In her country, you can only adopt two children if they are siblings or in the same orphanage.  So we told the agency we would be open to adopting another child with special needs from the same orphanage as Glory (that's what we're naming her, but we will be keeping her African name as well). 

 

It took a little time to get everything sorted, but we found out today that there are no children within our parameters at the same orphanage.  That is a good thing! It means God is calling us to only adopt one child this time, and hey 3 girls and 3 boys in the house....that's pretty awesome. 

 

It also means that there are people out there adopting kids with special needs! Big whoop whoop here! We were open to pretty severe special needs as well, so this means that the kids who used to be overlooked are now being given a home and valued!   It really is pretty fantastic news. 

 

So while we could finish our dossier, and then wait for a second referral, we have decided to proceed and adopt only Glory.  We do not want her to have to wait at the orphanage any longer than she has to.  It is a blessing to be able to adopt her and have her join our family.  I am one happy Momma!.

Why not everyone should adopt.

There is a group out there, a group that advocates for everyone to adopt.  "Do your part, adopt a child."  They put these statements out there like adoption is no big deal, it is our duty to adopt, everyone needs to do their part. 

NOT everyone should adopt a child.

It's just that simple, not everyone is equipped, not everyone is capable of the work, and not everyone has the desire to learn how to work with the issues that an adopted child could face.  In this country it was once common place to adopt young unwed mothers' babies and not ever disclose the information.  As those adoptees have grown older and become aware of their adoptions, we are learning more and hearing more from them about how they wished things had gone differently.

As adoptees are finally being listened to, we hear them say that they want connections to their birth families.  They want to be open about their adoptions, they want to preserve their first family's culture, they don't want to feel the pressure of gratitude over having a family, and so much more.  This opens up a whole new area of understanding, one that we as adoptive parents need to listen to and learn about. 

Not everyone is willing to adopt a child and be open with their birth family.  They want to "do the deed and be done with it."  But it doesn't work that way my friends.  That kind of thinking can be seen with some couples who have suffered the heartache of infertility, almost as if adoption was a second and painful choice, a step to the family they want but a step they want to overlook and hide away. 

I understand that, truly I do, but that thinking is making the adoption more about the parents and less about the child being adopted.  In reality, adoption is about the children.  Our hope with adopting our children is that they will see that we want to be a resource for them, help them to know the love of a family, and to know that we are here for them always.  If being a part of their first family and our family is possible, we hope that we can maintain that connection.  I don't feel any threat in keeping open communication and connection, who doesn't love being a part of a bigger family.  I mean...I didn't expect John to become part of my family and completely leave all communication and connection to the people he was born to.  We combined our families to become one, even though ours is a marriage, it is still legally becoming a relative to someone who is not biologically related.  An adoption of sorts.  And we want to celebrate the adoption, we want these children, it is a blessing that we are privileged to get to have them be part of our family.

Some people may approach adoption with a savior mentality.  If these people cannot look beyond that, then perhaps they are not among those who should adopt.  If one goes into an adoption thinking that they are saving a poor orphan, and that the child will forever be grateful to them, well they are jumping into the wrong life. 

It is not an orphans fault that they are orphaned.  It is not their responsibility to show gratitude for becoming un-orphaned.  Kids cannot comprehend life in such a complex way, and should not be held to the standard of showing gratitude for someone loving them. 

The love of a parent comes unconditionally and free, those who cannot accept that, should not adopt.

People who cannot love a child not born from their body should not adopt.  No amount of shame or chastising will make those people feel differently, and they should not feel guilt or pressure.  Should they feel guilty and adopt from those feelings, it only stands to be a detriment to the family and the child entering the family.  They will always subconsciously hold a grudge towards the child, and it really is just a bad idea all around.

Those who cannot accept special needs should not adopt.  I have read pretty much everything I can about adoption, and everything states that there are possibilities of emotional issues in every adoption.  They could be so mild that they do not raise much concern, or they could be incredibly severe.  This is truly something to take into consideration. 

Fetal alcohol syndrome and effects can be present in a child and there is no way of knowing.  It is a spectrum disorder that can show very few signs at birth but a lot of signs in adolescence.  This is something to be aware of, educated about, and okay with. 

Adoption is amazing.  It truly is a gift to be part of another person's life, to help guide and teach them.  There is a lot of work with adoptive parenting (and regular parenting for that matter).  Most of my work is making sure that we are doing everything we can to help our kids have the best future, and how their adoptions could impact what we need to do to make that happen. 

To me it seems irresponsible to say that everyone should adopt.  That kind of thinking is a setup for disappointment and heartache.  I do believe we are called to take care of the orphans and widows.  However, taking care of them does not mean adoption.  It could mean funding an adoptive family, praying for the child who needs a home, raising awareness of the orphan crisis, supporting an orphanage, participating in a Big Brother/Big Sister program to help those kids who might not have parents that are able to be involved in their life (orphaned by circumstance), heading up a church outreach to the local youth, etc. 

Not everyone should adopt a child.  Adoption is wonderful, it is a blessing, but it is about the children.  Only those who can see that it is absolutely 100% about the children should consider adoption, because those who know that, will stop at nothing to help the children they bring home. 

Sunday Supper- Potato Salad...the right way!

(Note: I do not write or create these on Sunday, but everybody needs a good southern Sunday supper dish).

I have a lot of hungry people in my house.  The babies cry for food all day, I feel like I'm shoveling food into them from the time their feet hit the floor in the morning until they are bedded down for the night.  Thus, I cook in large portion sizes. 

I just hate those recipes that say cook a whole chicken, then use 1/3 for tonight's dinner, and save the rest to eat on in recipes for the rest of the week....I have to cook two of those chickens for tonight, there are no left overs.

I like a recipe that I can make in larger quantity, that keeps well in the fridge, and that is a little indulgent on the weekend.  Potato salad is one of those yummy recipes.  Come on now, you know you love a good "tater salad" beside your spring/summer dishes. 

In my 31 years of existence, I've tried a few potato salads, and let me tell you this to be fact...potato salad should be yellow! 

Mustard people, you need mustard in your potato salad, it's necessary. 

This is not a fancy potato salad recipe, it's yummy, it's yellow, it's large in quantity.  'Nuff said.

Southern Potato Salad

Ingredients:

7-10 cubed potatoes cooked to soft (not mushy)

1/2 large onion minced

1/4 c pickle relish (I like dill but you could go sweet)

3 TBS of yellow mustard (or more if you like it tangy)

1 cup of mayo (you can easily make your own here or use store bought)

4 hard boiled eggs (thank you chickens for laying a bunch of eggs today)

salt, pepper, and paprika to taste

Mix all of this together in a large bowl and refrigerate until ready to eat. 

Now see, that is just too easy for words.  Add this to the side of your BBQ Ribs, steamed broccoli, and a biscuit....Mmmm!

Eat up ya'll!

Pranking Your Kids

Warning: Reading this post will make you want to prank your children....or you will hate us for our sense of humor...either way, read at your own risk!

 

 

Before my surgery on Thursday, we had the most beautiful weather, much needed sunshine.  We decided to celebrate the commercial part of Easter on Wednesday.  John wasn't working that day, and I'm not a fan of detracting from the true celebration of the sacrifice on the cross. 

 

I do like to have fun and let my kids have fun though. 

 

Before Wednesday, I had bought some face paints.  It sounded like fun, my kids love it, so why not.  Andy wanted to be a cat, the rest of them didn't care. 

 

 

Let me be real honest with you here.  If you draw eyebrows and facial hair on your 14 month old, you are going to have a great day.  Seriously, you can't frown on a day where your little guy looks like a grumpy old man.

 

 

I filled a bunch of eggs with bunny grahams, raisins, and almonds....yes I'm that mom that doesn't do a bunch of candy.  The kids loved it.  Grace was competitive this year.  She ran all over the yard in excitement.

 

 

Zeke wasn't so competitive, but he enjoyed it none the less.  Next year, I foresee the seven kids in the yard in an all out eggstravaganza :)

 

 

We did an easier find in the front yard for Zeke, Tanner, Grace, and Anna.  However, in the back yard, John hid eggs for Andy.  We had too much fun with that one.  Andy was running through the place searching for eggs, eating the goodies, and then he found THE EGG.

 

 

 

THE EGG was found under the swing set.  It was heavy.  The boy was excited as he picked it up, anticipating something amazing inside.........

 

He opened it.

 

"Ohhhh stew, uggggghhhh!" 

 

This is seriously a laugh out loud moment people, John had filled one egg full of deer stew.  When opened, you pretty much got a handful of mushy brown mess.

 

We died with laughter.  Hey, Andy thought it was funny to, and he was happy, he gave his kitty an Easter egg full of stew.  It was a win/win situation.

 

In this house we try to keep a good healthy sense of humor.  It's needed.  I hope that my kids grow up and find the humor in life, I believe that humor is a direct gift from God. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grace Filled Moments

In the nearly five years (next month) that I have been Tanner's mother, I have seen very few real and caring moments.  He's a tough little man our Tanner.  His first five years were a struggle to get the attention of those who had no time to give attention.  So he became comfortable in his detachment, in his pain that was the result of his attention getting hijinks.  It changed his whole being.

"Oh those Down's babies, they are just so happy all of the time!" 

That is a statement I have heard more times than I can count.  Usually by well meaning people.  They try to be admirable of our actions, connected to our circumstance, or just not rude in an absence of understanding how we could adopt two kids with Down syndrome.  I have lived five long years with a little guy with Down syndrome, who most certainly has not been happy all of the time.  The struggles with him have been very real, heartbreaking, tear filled, and to be honest, confusing. 

I have been pushed out of my comfort zone.  I like to have a plan for everything, and within that plan another plan as back up, and if something goes wrong....I research any and every alternative.  There are no plans for parenting Tanner.  Although over the last couple of years, we have really been working to build a secure attachment. 

We've worked hard on that one.  I've cried because it almost seems unfair to only let him shake hands with people who want to hug him.  However, he needs LOVE and AFFECTION from his mom and dad.  He needs the everyday presence of that love, and to become dependent on that love, trustworthy of that love.  It's a slow process.  It is working though.  I saw the proof just yesterday.

Yesterday, I gave up  my fertility.  From the day I got married, I envisioned having lots of babies, loving being pregnant, natural births, etc.  I hoped for a big family.  I felt like we should let God decide our family, and so He has.  I almost died during childbirth with the last two babies, and that is not sensationalistic.  With Grace, I had a 104 fever for days that could not be broken with some of the most powerful antibiotics out there.  It was scary.  With Zeke, I had a uterine rupture.  That is the thing doctors warn you about when talking about vbac, the big worry in obstetrics...yeah it's scary also.

So while I do hold firm that God should be in charge, I also believe that He puts intelligent people in our lives to help us.  The doctor I had with Zeke was very much understanding of my convictions, he also said that we "could" have another child, but that he did not recommend it.  A uterine rupture is dangerous, another child could kill myself and the baby at any point during pregnancy.  I do not live any where near a hospital.  For a year I have carried this burden on my heart, could I get pregnant and possibly die right here in front of my children? 

Thus the decision was made.  John drove me to the hospital, dropped me off, and took the kids to breakfast.  When my surgery was over, I was in the restroom, and I heard the children.  I specifically heard Tanner, he was talking very loudly, getting overly anxious and wild, and trying to work the nurse over.  This is typical of him and strangers.  She had given him a teddy bear (as well as the other children), which only heightened his behavior.

And then something magical happened.

I walked out of the bathroom.  His eyes turned to me.  He completely quieted, stopped talking to the nurse, and his eyes never left me and the IV.  Concern and almost tears covered his little face.  He asked if I was okay, if I hurt, if I was sick.  His expressive speech is limited, but oh how he communicated with me.  Not once did he try to work over the nurse like his usual self, it was if no one else was there.  He loved me...his mom!

As the parent, I understand that we shouldn't expect reciprocity from our children.  They can't see past circumstance, they are driven by emotion at their young ages, and we can't expect them to act in logical or loving ways at all times.  However, it feels natural to desire the love of your children.  True and authentic love.  I've had a handful of true and authentic, connected moments with Tanner over the years.  Sometimes it feels as though we would never reach him, and that he would be lost to us. 

Yesterday was a grace filled moment.  In my sadness at losing my fertility, my heart was overwhelmed with love and joy at the actions of my "lost boy."  My boy who gives me hope that he's not lost after all, and that if we just keep persevering, one day he will have joy in his life instead of the drive for chaos.  It was a glimmer of hope. 

My son loves me, and I know it to be true.  He may show it in the most unloving ways, but he does love his Momma.  He does need love from his Momma, and oh how I've waited for that day.  What a perfect day to see it.  God is so very good.  He gives us grace in heartache, joy in pain, we just have to see past our own circumstances to really take it in.

Dear Adoption Critic

I see you sitting there behind your screen, mouth agape, standing in disbelief of some of the heinous atrocities that have hit the news recently pertaining to adopted children.  To clarify, I'm right there with you friend.  My mouth has stood open as I tried to comprehend just how awful some people can be.

You furiously write  out your replies with criticism of all adoptions in response to your emotions towards the actions of just a few.  There is no justification for what has been done to some children adopted into homes of abusive parents.  They are not however, the majority.

Adoption critic, you write that people should not be allowed to adopt "stolen babies."  Hey, I'm on the same page with you again.  However, there are 147 million orphans in the world.  That number does not describe 147 million people who have been stolen from their parents.  That number describes the lonely, unloved, overburdened, and poor.  The neglected are within that number, the malnourished, the sick, they are all included in that number. 

You write that children should be supported within their families rather than being adopted out.  I agree with you, but what you fail to address is that there are many orphans out there without actual living relatives.  There are orphans out there whose family members do not want to keep them due to their child having special needs.  Should those orphans be ignored, left in orphanages to be neglected, tied to beds, starved? 

Your comments are out there, stating that adopting a child of a different race or with special needs is a fad.  You say that people are doing it to have an accessory or to gather attention.  Well, as an adoptive parent of two children with special needs, let me tell you that the task is no light job.  Adopting any child for attention or as a "fad" is completely ridiculous.  These are human beings, these are precious lives for which we take on the responsibility of caring for, enriching, teaching, guiding, loving, and helping to heal.  Parenting is a very serious job, the most important job there is, for without good parenting there will be a society of adults running the world who are without a good foundation. 

I have read your comments, adoption critic.  You claim to be Christian, but you criticize the family member adopting a child with special needs.  You say the child will burden the family, they will bring talk from people in the community, you say that the family doesn't need to bring that kind of person around the children they have.  I don't understand, are we (as fellow Christians) not commanded to love others before thy self.  I have not read in the Bible that we should sit back, watch those suffering, and just say a little prayer.  Oh, I believe in the power of prayer, but I also believe in the power of God to use His children to change the world.

 If not us...then who? 

If not now...when? 

You adoption critic sit there, not being Christian, giving your criticism towards those who are trying to actually care for the orphans of the world.  We are not comfortable to sit by and just watch the suffering suffer.  No, we cannot save them all, but why criticize us for saving the ones we can?  My family does support children in third world countries who are currently living with their relatives, we support children in our own community who are struggling, so why is it wrong that we should also support the child who doesn't have anyone to hold them when they are sick?  Why is it wrong to support the child who doesn't have a mother to comfort them when they have a bad dream? 

I read your comments about how tacky it is to fundraise for an adoption.  How if a person wants to adopt they need to have that $30,000 up front.  Well, I have plenty to care for my children, and can absolutely care for another, but no I do not seem to just have tens of thousands of dollars laying around.  I just don't.  However, if the community of caring come together to support the saving of another orphan financially, and I take on the responsibility of parenting that orphan, is that so bad? 

Adoption doesn't have to cost a thing.  Those are your comments, critic, written to promote foster care adoption.  I absolutely agree with that, and I support foster care adoption 100%.  However, we were told that our family doesn't look desirable to social workers looking for families.  We are not older with teenagers or no children in the home.  I can't fix that, but does that mean that a little girl across the world should die without a mother?  Is she of less importance than the children in this country?  I believe they ALL deserve love and care.  The orphan crisis is everywhere, it affects all nations, it is a sad problem for the world to solve.

You see adoption critic, it is not enough to throw money and criticism at a problem.  At some point someone has to get up and CHANGE the problem.  There are 147 million orphans in the world, some people see those orphans as human beings who matter.  Yes, there are bad people in the world.  That doesn't mean that we should let those 147 million go on without a family, without love, without a chance of escaping the destitute circumstances with which they are currently in.